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Tâ™was the Night Before Christmas
and all through Woot Tower,
the staff seemed to be cross
and they grumbled and glowered.
âœWhatâ™s wrong, there?â called The Boss
from his executive suite.
âœYou better get merry
or youâ™re gonna get beat!â
âœNo, The Boss, weâ™re sorry!
Thereâ™s just so much stuff!
Weâ™ve got six hundred mousepads
we have to clean up!â
âœThe ones with the eagle?â
said The Boss from on high.
âœMaybe Iâ™ve been too harsh
on you hard-working guys.â
The Boss looked in his pocket
(all satin and silk)
and pulled out his fancy watch
that he had custom built.
âœItâ™s not yet midnight
in the Central Time Zone!
Maybe thereâ™s still a way
we can get you guys home!â
âœHome for Christmas?â they yelled
with excitable glee.
âœOh, our wives and our children
would us love to see!â
âœWell letâ™s get right to work!â
said The Boss with true grit.
âœIâ™ll roll up my sleeves
and help out with this sh-
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE UPDATE: SANTA NOW TRACKED TO BE CLOSE TO YOUR SPECIFIC NEIGHBORHOOD. ALL CHILDREN SHOULD PROCEED TO BED. STAY TUNED FOR FURTHER UPDATES AS WARRANTED.
âœOh, sir, you canâ™t say that!â
the workers explained.
âœNaughty words on the Internet
make our customers faint!â
âœAw, darn it all!â said The Boss,
his heart full of disdain.
âœMaybe we should just leave
this stuff out in the rain!â
Just then was a rustle
And the sound of some deer.
All rushed to the window
To see what was now here.
âœHo ho!â came the sound
of a voice deep and low.
Then a brief pregnant pause.
Then finally a soft âœHo!â
âœSanta!â cried the workers
as they ran to the sled.
âœI want a Robosapien!â
âœI want pistachios instead!â
âœI want a Mustek camera!â
âœA wrist radioâ™d be good!â
But Santa walked quickly to
where The Boss sadly stood.
âœOh, Santa,â said The Boss,
âœI just have too much stuff!
Iâ™d get rid of it cheaply
But my language is too rough!â
Santa gave a big smile,
pulled The Boss on his lap,
and whispered three simple words:
âœStocking of Crap.â
The Boss leaped in the air
as though shot from a gun
âœEveryone to the warehouse!
Weâ™ll have so much fun!â
And they packed through the night
with traditional rules
(that Iâ™m sure you recall
for youâ™re surely not fools).
YOUâ™LL WASTE MONEY ON SHIPPING
IF YOU DONâ™T ORDER THREE
YOUâ™RE RESPONSIBLE FOR PICKING
YOUR OWN QUANTITY
YOU HAVE TO PICK 3
AS THE AMOUNT WE WILL SEND YOU
YOUâ™LL STILL GET JUST ONE BAG
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO
BUT THE CRAP THATâ™S INSIDE IT
IS WHAT YOUâ™RE SELECTING
AND YOUâ™LL WISH YOU GOT THREE
IN POST-PURCHASE REFLECTING
So make The Boss happy
And help us clear out our business
And all of us here at Woot
wish you guys Merry Christmas.
THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS v2.0:
I. Thou shalt expect nothing beyond one bag of some kind and your chosen quantity of crappy items (which should be THREE).
II. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some peopleâ™s crap turns out to be nicer than yours.
III. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap.
IV. Thou shalt not order just one crap and blame it on anything but your own inattention.
V. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, shalt thou not get the crap you want, want the crap you get.
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